Two people try and talk to each other. They try really hard, it's the final exam that the last eight weeks of "Basic Social Skills" night-classes hinges on. But is being good at conversation you can learn? Is it something you can bluff? And is either possible with that waiter buzzing around who keeps insisting he's not an examiner?

“All the guards are freaks. That is a fact. Wouldn’t standing alone in a corner six hours a day over many years change you?” – David Berman

Four Security Guards tell their overlapping, interweaving, funny, painful, contradicting tales of life on the beat, protecting the shelf-stock of a Tesco near you.